Vulnerable

Adjective. [vuhl-ner-uh-buh l]

capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt,as by a weapon:a vulnerable part of the body.

So there’s this boy. 

That’s how you’d like this post to go and in a way that is how this post will go. Because there is a boy. And in a way this post is about that boy, however it’s more about how this boy makes me feel than just facts about him.

I’ve been talking to this boy for 1 year and 16 days (But who’s counting, right?). At first I thought that whatever transpired wouldn’t last long(Certainly not a year and 16 days)! It took nearly 5 months until we actually met face to face and another 4 months until we hung out again.

But in this time we talked every night (still do with some exceptions here and there). And in that time this boy got me to open up to him. I’ve told him things I’ve never told anyone. I’d tell him about the experience I had when someone I thought was my best friend forced me into a sexual relationship, my fears about being along forever, over not being good enough for anyone, and he’s even gotten to open up about how I feel about him.

But this is over a text message or over a phone call. Never has it been face to face. For when we are face to face, he intimidates (maybe that’s not the best word choice but it’s as close to the feeling as I think I’m going to get) me with his presence and leaves me speechless. He gives me weak knees and fluttery heart just by saying my name. He Leaves me vulnerable. 

I’ve never liked that world. Vulnerable. It makes me think of someone who is weak and can’t defend themselves (at all). And I like to think that my life experiences have made so that I’m not vulnerable. I prefer not being vulnerable. I prefer to be in control of everything so that I’m not vulnerable so that I wont get hurt.

But this boy has shown me, through his constant questioning and curiosity, that being vulnerable is OK. That being vulnerable can lead to being stronger. It’s like exercising. You know you tear muscles to grow more muscles, but in this instance I’m opening myself up to hurt to become stronger.

Where once I wouldn’t have had the strength to say “I like you”  or say “I want you”. Now I’m gaining the strength to say those things because I’ve been vulnerable and I’ve been empowered by being vulnerable.

And this boy, he doesn’t know he’s teaching me this lesson (well he might now if he’s reading this and figures out that this post is about him. God that would be embarrassing…)